Perhaps you and your partner argue a lot. You used to get along and be happy, but now everything in the relationship seems negative. In fact, this arguing has gone on for so long that you start to feel annoyed whenever you see your partner. You’re not sure if you even like each other anymore.

You’ve tried to stop arguing, but nothing works. No matter how nice you try to be, your partner keeps making you mad, and you find yourself shouting again. Maybe the two of you have talked about it and agreed to stop the fighting, but it keeps happening.

Fortunately, there is a way to stop the endless arguing and replace it with constructive communication. Instead of fighting each other to be heard and to have your way, you can express yourself in a way that you can be heard, listen to your partner, and understand them, and work out a resolution to the problem.

Arguing means that you each want your way rather than your partner’s way. This may be because you feel that you are right, and they are just wrong. It could be because one of you is used to getting their way and tends to fight for it. Or it could be because you don’t feel heard, so you raise your voice to try to get your partner to listen to you.

Unfortunately, the strategy of shouting to try to be heard usually backfires. You and your partner each dig in your heels, and the issue is never resolved. You argue about the same things over and over.

To move forward and get on the same side, try this instead

Take turns talking about your feelings and really listening to each other. One person goes first while the other one listens, and then you switch places.

When it’s your turn to talk, say what you have to say without criticizing your partner. For example, if you say, “You leave all the lights on in the house, and you’re selfish and irresponsible,” your partner is going to have a hard time hearing your meaning. They will probably retaliate by criticizing you in some way, and you’ll respond out of the pain you feel. The argument will start, and neither of you will hear the other.

But if you say, “We need to talk about the electric bill and how we can lower it,” your partner will be much more likely to listen to what you have to say. Even if your partner has been leaving lights on after knowing how you feel about it, even if they have been selfish and irresponsible, say it without attacking.

Also, when it’s your turn to talk, talk about your feelings and emotions rather than the facts. This may sound counterintuitive, but it will help your communication.

Let’s look at an example

In your discussion, if you state the facts and say, “The electric bill is too high, so you need to turn off lights,” your partner will simply say, “I don’t leave that many lights on –” just like they always say, and you’ll end up in the same old argument. Facts lead to arguments because each person thinks their set of facts is right and the other is wrong.

But if you talk about how you feel about the electric bill, something different happens. When you describe the feeling in your throat when you see the bill, your anxiety about where the money will come from, and your disappointment in having to give up something else that you really want this month, your partner begins to know you better. They begin to feel how you felt, and they begin to care that you felt that way. You can even say something like, “I feel very angry with you when I see lights left on,” in a calm tone of voice, and your partner will be much more likely to hear you than if you attack.

Meanwhile, the partner who is listening needs to really listen. When you listen to your partner, don’t think about your own point of view, or how wrong your partner is. Instead, focus on understanding where your partner is coming from, how they feel, and why they feel that way.

Just remember, understanding your partner doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with them

You can understand completely how they feel and what they think but still have your own point of view. You can have empathy for them and express it, and still have a different point of view. Understanding your partner doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner will get their way. It just means that you are listening and understanding. Right now, you’re not talking about your own point of view. You will get your turn to do that. Right now, you’re listening and doing your best to understand how they feel.

Let them talk as long as they need to. Express sympathy if they’re sad, smile if they’re happy. When they pause, don’t jump in with a rebuttal. Instead, ask them some questions to help you know their point of view better. Don’t criticize their point of view, just try to understand. This is their turn to talk about how they feel, so listen.

When the one talking has said what they need to say and feels like their partner has listened and understood, then it’s time for the other partner to talk and the first partner to listen by the same process outlined above.

Empathy is key

When each of you feel like the other has heard and understood, the atmosphere in the room will be much different than before. You will feel closer to each other, because you know each other a little better, and you each care about how the other feels. Even if you still disagree, you will feel more like friends and partners, on the same side even if you don’t agree on the details. It will be much easier to come to agreement that will please both of you when you feel empathy toward each other.

In summary, to communicate about a problem, take turns talking and listening. When you talk, state your feelings rather than the facts, and say everything in a non-critical, non-attacking way. When you listen, really listen, and try to understand how the other person feels.

Don’t argue back with your own point of view, and don’t criticize your partner’s point of view. You will feel closer, more caring, and more intimate with each other, and better able to solve the problem together.

These ideas are based on the work of Dr. John Gottman. I am trained in Gottman therapy and would love to help you learn how to talk and listen constructively. Give me a call, and we will get started.