It’s obvious when your marriage is on the rocks. The hard part is knowing what to do about it. If you knew what would work to fix the relationship, you would have done it by now. In fact, you’ve probably tried everything you thought you knew to do, and it hasn’t worked.
Then there’s the problem of getting your partner on board. Maybe they say they’re sorry but continue to do the things that hurt you. Maybe they defend their position and don’t appear to care how much they have hurt you. Maybe they don’t listen or truly hear you at all.
If your relationship is stuck on the rocks, there are some steps to take. These are the very first things to do, even before you start to work on the problems or make any decisions.
Step One: Decide whether abuse is going on in the marriage.
If there is abuse going on in your marriage, these steps are not for you. An abusive partner won’t care that you are hurting and will only take advantage of you if you unilaterally make improvements.
If you are being abused, you need to first get out of danger, and then consult a therapist who can help you deal with your situation and decide what to do. If you are abusing your spouse and you want to stop, then a good therapist can help you learn new ways to relate to your partner.
Step Two: Ask yourself honestly whether you want to try to save your marriage or not.
Most couples would answer “yes” to this question, at least before they get overwhelmed by problems in the relationship. After all, they got married with the intention of staying together, and they usually still love each other. If your answer is yes, then giving an honest try to working out your problems is likely a good idea.
Some couples, though, have to answer the question with “no.” Unfortunately, not all marriages are going to succeed. Sometimes one is already out of the marriage emotionally and can’t find their way back. Sometimes a couple just has too many problems and too many emotional wounds to find their way to heal together.
Sometimes one partner refuses to treat the other one well. Some partners have been treated badly over and over, with no change and no sign of caring, and they finally decide that they have reached their limit.
If your honest answer is no, then you might as well admit it. You might still benefit from either couples’ or individual therapy to help you figure out where you are and where you want to go from here.
Other couples answer “maybe” to the question. They want to work out their problems and have a happy relationship, but they aren’t willing to endure a bad one the doesn’t improve. Working on the relationship is worth the effort, because nothing will improve without it. Even if your efforts don’t work for your marriage, you will be a better partner in any future relationships.
Step Three: Cultivate an attitude of humility and change.
Making a positive change in your marriage will take a lot of effort. It will involve both of you committing to the process and following through consistently. You will have to prioritize your relationship and intentionally build new behaviors.
Part of your effort will have to go toward soul searching and facing your own faults. Your relationship behaviors might go back to your childhood, or to relationships that have hurt you in the past. Facing those wounds and being willing to allow healing to happen is a huge part of improving your marriage, but it can be painful.
Finally, you’ll need to be willing to understand and care about your partner’s point of view, and to care about their feelings as much as your own. You may need to learn to give up some of your own desires to please your partner, or you may need to gather the courage to speak up and assert yourself.
Step Four: Calm the storm.
Continual fighting won’t help your relationship. You won’t hear each other better just because your voices are raised. You likely won’t hear what each other is saying at all if you’re angry, critical, and attacking. In fact, it with only leave more wounds, grow more resentment, and leave the two of you feeling further apart than before.
If you want to be able to develop more productive communication, you first need to stop the fighting. Stop angrily pointing out what your partner is doing wrong. Stop lashing out at each other. Stop trying to hurt each other or get each other back. Stop defending your own point of view without listening to your partner. Stop demanding your way.
A marriage on the rocks can bring out the worst in each partner. But argumentative behaviors lead to arguments. You may not have good communication skills yet, but at least stop doing the things that only lead to a bad place.
Step Five: Consider couples’ therapy.
If your problems are relatively minor, you may be able to work them out from this point. If that doesn’t work, however, you may need the help of a trained, objective third party. A good couples’ therapist can help you find healing for the wounds, both those from a long time ago and those that you have inflicted on each other. He or she can see behaviors and attitudes where you and your partner may have blind spots, and can help you find more productive ways to relate to each other. You can learn how to communicate so that you and your partner can learn to hear, understand, and care about each other’s needs.
So when you find your marriage on the rocks, first assess whether there is abuse going on. If not, then decide whether you are willing to go the route of working on your relationship. Remember that you will need to be willing to make changes, look inside yourself, and care about your partner. Stop any argumentative behaviors that you’re doing, and consider marriage therapy.
Following these steps will put you in a position to move forward and work on making positive changes in your marriage.
If your marriage is on the rocks and you are considering couples therapy in North Carolina, give Frances Patton a call at (336) 218-9040 or contact her here.
