Are You In A Christian Marriage That Doesn’t Feel So Christian?
You thought your marriage would be good because you’re Christians. Christians love each other and act like Christ, so they make happy marriages. Most Christian couples that you know seem happy.
But that isn’t happening for you and your spouse. In fact, if anyone saw what your relationship is really like, they wouldn’t think it was very godly at all.
The truth is that being a Christian doesn’t automatically give you good relationship skills. You wouldn’t expect to become an expert at playing an instrument or doing the math the moment you become a Christian. Likewise, you have to learn and practice relationship skills in order to become good at them.
The good news is that you’re a kind person. You live a moral life. You’re faithful and responsible. You work hard and try to be considerate and generous. You should have a great marriage. Right?
Not always. The truth is that, while Christian values are great ingredients for a relationship, you need a few more skills to make sure you get along.
Some people are fortunate enough to have learned these skills in their families while growing up. Others naturally have some of the skills as personality traits. But many people have to learn them, sometimes through difficult experiences.
Here are 6 relational skills that all couples, including couples in a Christian marriage, will benefit from practicing
Relationship Skill #1: Saying it right is more important than being right.
No matter how right you are, your spouse won’t hear you if you’re yelling, judging, or lecturing. In a relationship, everything needs to be said in a kind tone of voice, with kind words.
Put yourself in your spouse’s place: how would you feel if you were being told you were wrong? What would you do? You might dig in your heels and become stubborn. You might become defensive and argue for your own point of view. Or it might be so painful that all you can think of is how badly your spouse hurt your feelings.
Of all people, Christians should be those who speak with kindness. If you want to be heard, say it in a nice way.
Relationship Skill #2: Being in a relationship means caring about the other person.
In a marriage, it’s easy to get complacent and forget to show love and consideration to the other person. It’s easy to react out of how you’re feeling in the moment rather than thinking about your partner.
For example, your partner asks for something you’re not sure is necessary or needed. You think about how much trouble it will be for you or what you’d rather do with the money instead of how much your spouse will enjoy it. Your spouse complains that you’re not supportive, which causes you to defend yourself rather than seeing their point of view.
Or consider the all-too-common experience of when one spouse wants intimacy and the other “isn’t in the mood”. In therapy, this is a very common pitfall that couples experience that’s easily overcome. So while it is important to let your own needs be known, to express your different point of view, and to let your partner know that you’re just not in the mood sometimes, it’s also important to be willing to compromise.
Keeping a relationship happy means going the extra mile for the other person. Do more household chores than you have to. Give small gifts, do kind acts, and say nice words just to make the other feel loved. Christians are called to do good works for others – how much more should we do good for our partner.
Relationship Skill #3: We all want to feel that we are heard and understood.
One of the biggest complaints couples have is that their partner doesn’t truly listen to them. Most partners want to share what is in their hearts or on their minds. Often, however, when one partner talks, the other either refutes it or starts talking about their own point of view.
Try this instead. The next time your partner is talking, really listen. If you don’t agree with what they are saying, put that aside for a minute. Having an attitude of learning about your partner rather than correcting them is key to helping someone feel that you care about them. Empathize with their feelings because they are your partner’s feelings. Then your partner needs to give you the same courtesy as you express your thoughts and feelings.
Really listening to your partner and doing your best to understand how they feel is one of the best ways to help your partner feel loved, and to show them God’s love.
Relationship Skill #4: Learn to discuss.
Now that you’re listening to each other, you can develop the skill of communicating calmly but honestly. Once you both feel that the other is listening, understanding, and caring about your point of view, then it is easier to find a solution that works for both of you.
When you know your partner hears you and cares about how you feel, you don’t feel like you are giving in to their demands. In fact, when your partner truly hears your feelings, they will want a solution that makes you happy, too. You are no longer enemies arguing for your own way. You are now partners finding a solution that works for both of you.
As Christians, you want what is good for each other. When you know your spouse has your best interests at heart, it’s easy to want to make them happy, too.
Relationship Skill #5: Realize that relationships bring out inner wounds and are opportunities to heal them.
Inner wounds from childhood keep us from being as Godly as we want to be. When you marry another wounded, imperfect person, your partner’s words and actions continually touch your hurts and vice versa.
For example, if your parents criticized you a lot, you may be sensitive to hearing negative comments from your spouse, and you may react with anger. If your spouse grew up with a lot of yelling, your anger may touch your spouse’s inner wounds, and he or she may react to you by either escalating or shutting down and withdrawing. Suddenly some very ungodly behavior comes out on both sides.
A good therapist understands that a lot of negative behavior comes from deep pain, and will work to help you find healing for that pain. In fact, when you and your spouse face your problems together, you have the opportunity to grow closer than ever. Your relationship can become Godly together.
Relationship skill #6: Spend time together.
Finally, relationships have to have time together in order to grow. Unfortunately, time together can be hard to come by, even when you live in the same house. Working, raising children, cleaning the house, and all the things that have to be done take up all of your time, and no time is left for each other. Before you know it, you are two strangers who never talk about anything except the kids and who is going to take the car to the shop.
To build that Christian relationship, you need to prioritize finding ways to be together. If you’re in the same room, turn off the television and have a conversation. If you’re doing yard work together, talk and laugh and make it fun. Have date nights, even if you spend them at home. Make time to talk at least several times a week about what’s going on in your life and how you feel about it, and have more intimate conversations at least weekly.
Making time for each other and talking about your life and your feelings will keep you involved in each other’s worlds. Staying involved with each other in this way is vital for growing and deepening your connection, and it makes it easier to genuinely care about each other.
Learning these skills will make your relationship more Godly.
Kindness, caring, listening, making space for your partner’s point of view, allowing healing to take place, and being together are all ways of loving each other. As you treat each other with kindness, you will develop empathy for each other instead of just feeling irritated with each other. You will feel happier and treat each other better. You will naturally behave in a more Godly way toward each other. You can have that Godly relationship that you want.
If your Christian marriage needs help, you aren’t alone. Contact me using my website or give me a call at 336-218-9040 and we can get started on growing the love between you.
